Considering Divorce?

"Marriage between man and woman is essential to [God's] eternal plan."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out?
Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce

Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell

How does divorce effect children?

"For a young child, psychologically, divorce is the equivalent of lifting a hundred-pound weight over the head. Processing all the radical and unprecedented changes - loss of a parent, loss of a home, of friends - stretches immature cognitive and emotional abilities to the absolute limit and sometimes beyond that limit."

What is the spiritual counsel regarding divorce?

Mark 10:6-9: "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks: "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it."

President James E. Faust: "Divorce can be justified only in the rarest of circumstances. In my opinion, “just cause” for divorce should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being." There are 3 parts to what he said: prolonged difficulties, apparently irredeemable relationship, and destruction of human dignity.

Prolonged Difficulties

"[T]he principle President Faust sustains is that a determination of just cause for divorce requires a substantial period of problems, time for potential change to occur, and an unrushed, careful decision. . . .  [D]o everything possible to correct the problem: get rid of the computer if Internet pornography is an issue), go to counseling, move (if needed) - whatever it takes" (p. 81).

Apparently Irredeemable Relationship

This is when there is little hope for repairing the relationship. "If one spouse is unwilling or unable to make such an effort, this does not excuse the other spouse from determining his or her part in any problems and making needed change" (p. 81). 

Destruction of Human Dignity

This is when the problems are so serious that an individual begins to lose their sense of worth. Abuse or repeated infidelity,  not feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, meet this standard.

What is the secular counsel regarding divorce?

Allow time to decide about divorce.

Try to resolve problems before deciding to divorce.

Divorce is not a reliable method for improving one's long-term well-being, except in cases of abuse.

What should I do if I'm considering divorce?

Elder Dallin H. Oaks: "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. . . . Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us. Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages."

Rely on prayer. Seek spiritual guidance from priesthood leaders. And, surround yourself with loving, supportive friends and family.

Book suggestions:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Gottman & Silver)

The Divorce Remedy (Davis)

Covenant Hearts (Hafen)

Personal Application

I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Gottman & Silver) and took notes.

Resource:

Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.