Parenting

"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude

Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H. Haupt

What is the right way to teach my children?

Joseph Smith: "I teach the people correct principles, and they govern themselves."

President Ezra T. Benson: ". . . he expects us to work out most of the details and methods. . . usually developed through study and prayer and by living so that we can obtain and follow the promptings of the Spirit."

Joseph F. Smith: ". . . the character of our lives in the spirit world has much to do with our disposition, desires and mentality here in mortal life."

Brigham Young: "Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it."

How can I help my children develop?

Crucial elements to promote optimal development (p. 105):

-Love, warmth, and support.

-Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior.

-Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise.

-Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits.

-Opportunities to perform competently and make choices.

-Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt.

-Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes.

President David O. Mckay: "Children are more influenced by the sermons you act than by the sermons you preach."

Authoritative parenting consists of: connection (love), regulation (limits), and autonomy (latitude).

Love

President Gordon B. Hinckley: "Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is warm and secure companionship, where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified, and where God is acknowledged and His peace and blessings invoked before the family altar."

Results of love in the home:

 -lasting bonds between parents and children

-fosters security in children

-linked to better behavior in children

-mitigates hostility, resentment, and anger in children

-results in children that are less aggressive and more sociable and empathetic

Be a friend to your child. Have fun together. Talk to each other and listen.  

Limits

Hart, Newell, and Haupt: "discipline or correction should be motivated by a sincere interest in teaching children correct principles rather than merely to exert control, exercise dominion, or vent anger" (p. 109).

Consider the child's developmental stage and temperament when applying limits. Be clear and firm about rules and expectations. Explain reasons for the rules and follow through with consequences that are connected to the  misbehavior. Seek guidance from the Spirit. Sometimes it's ok to ignore misbehavior that is not harmful, but try to understand the behavior so you can address what caused it. 

Elder Boyd K. Packer: "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

Latitude

Elder M. Russell Ballard: "Helping children learn how to make decisions requires that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepared to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations."

Hart, Newell, and Haupt: "When children and teens are given latitude for decision making in areas that matter less, they are more likely to feel trusted and empowered to choose rightly and conform to parental expectations that matter more" (p. 113).

Elder Robert D. Hales: "Act with faith; don't react with fear. When our teenagers begin testing family values, parents need to go to the Lord for guidance on the specific needs of each family member. This is the time for added love and support and to reinforce your teachings on how to make choices. It is frightening to allow our children to learn from the mistakes they may make, but their willingness to choose the Lord's way and family values is greater when the choice comes from within than when we attempt to force those values upon them. The Lord's way of love and acceptance is better than Satan's way of force and coercion, especially in rearing teenagers."

Conclusion

President Gordon B. Hinckley: "Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life's most satisfying compensation."

Personal Application
I interviewed my parents and asked them about what motivated their parenting. They shared their successes and their challenges. My mother noted that the early years of parenting require a lot of physical strength and patience, while adolescence to adulthood is more mentally and emotionally challenging. Her greatest reward as a parent has been watching her children become exceptionally good parents to their own children.

Resources:

Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.