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Marriage Preparation

"Marriage . . . is ordained of God. . . . God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. . . . Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan."
The Family: A Proclamation to the World


The ABCs of Successful Romantic Relationship Development
Thomas B. Holman, Frank Poulsen, and others


How can I prepare for a successful marriage?

pre-A. Preparing for success

President Thomas S. Monson: "Decisions determine destiny."
Before entering a relationship, prepare yourself by coming to terms with your past, especially your family background. "While therapy, good books, and good role models outside the family are helpful, ultimately, the doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially the plan of salvation and the Atonement, are the more powerful agents of change (Packer, 2004)" (Holman, Poulsen, & others). It's also important to take care of your mental health, such as getting help for struggles with depression and anxiety. Become the kind of person you want to marry.


A. Awareness of or Acquaintance with another person

Elder Bruce R. McConkie: "The right person [for you to marry] is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist."
Look for these qualities: attraction, love of the Lord and His commandments, forgiving, kind, selfless, and has a desire to have a family. Observe those around you for these qualities. Discern their attraction to you by approaching them and gauging their reaction to you. Then, if you feel they've reacted positively, ask them to go out with you.


B. Buildup of the relationship

Elder Marvin J. Ashton: "True love is a process. True love requires personal action."
This phase is reached at the first date. Two important processes in this phase: seeking mutual influence and developing mature love.

Characteristics of Immature and Mature Love (Based on Noller, 1996)      
Aspects of Love
Immature Love
Mature Love



Emotional Part of Love

Possessiveness
Jealousy
Infatuation
Preoccupation
Anxiety


Lasting passion
Desire for companionship Warm feeling of contentment



Belief Part of Love

“Love is blind”
Love is external to us
“Cupid’s arrow”
Love is beyond our control
Love is something you have to “decide”
Love means:
Commitment
Trust
Sharing
Sacrifice



Behavior Part of Love
Selfish
Lustful
Concern only for satisfying own needs
Clinging
Over-dependent
Demanding obedience from partner


Creates an environment of growth and development
Allows partner space for growth
         

C. Continuation following Commitment to a long-term relationship

Elder Bruce R. McConkie: "We're supposed to learn correct principles and then govern ourselves. We make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord and get His approving, ratifying seal."
Commitment to a long-term relationship should be a deliberate decision, not something that happens as a result of  "sliding" into the next step. It's also important to receive spiritual confirmation as you choose your eternal companion.


D. Deterioration or Decline in the interdependence of the couple 

"Church leaders counsel that when there is a lack of love (Widstoe, 1944), temptations to break commandments and covenants (Tuttle, 1974), or partners who do not inspire the best in you (McKay, 1953), couples need to think seriously about ending the relationship" (Holman, Poulsen, & others).


E. Ending the relationship

Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-44: "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile . . . "
When it is time to end a relationship, be kind.

Personal Application
I asked several friends if they formally prepared for marriage. A few friends took marriage prep at BYU and they found that to be helpful. However, most friends did not have any formal marriage preparation. They all agreed it would have been helpful to have that.

Resources:
Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

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