Healthy Marriage

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha

How can I have a happy marriage?

1. Personal commitment to the marriage covenant

   

     *Intentional personal dedication.

          -Blaine Fowers (2000): one way to have a good marriage is to be a good person

          -Elder Robert D. Hales (1996): "An eternal bond doesn't just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities."

   

     *Exclusive cleaving and unity.

          -President Spencer W. Kimball (1972): "The words none else eliminate everyone and everything."

          -President Henry B. Eyring (1998): ". . . unity . . . in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command!"

     *Practice spiritual patterns.

          -"Couples who practice their faith together generally have less conflict, are more likely to reach a mutually satisfying resolution if there is conflict, and are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when conflict does occur (Lambert & Dollahite, 2006)."

2. Love and Friendship

     *Nurturing love and friendship in marriage:

          -Get in sync with your partner's love preferences.

          -Talk as friends.

          -Respond to bids for connection.

          -Set goals for couple interaction.

3. Positive Interaction

     *". . . the better the ratio of positivity to negativity, the better the marriage" (Gottman 1999)

     *Jay Tachman: "The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the formula for living in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it."

     *President Gordon B. Hinckley (2003): ". . . if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."
Make lists of positive things about each other. Pick a few of these positive things, write them on a note card, and place the card where you can regularly see it. Read the card every time you see it, start thinking about these things, and focus on these positive things (suggestion from Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper).

4. Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

     *Elder Russell M. Nelson (1991): "Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another."

     *Share influence in all family affairs.

          -turn to spouse for advice

          -be open to his/her ideas

          -listen to and consider his/her opinion

          -learn from our spouse

          -show respect during disagreements

          -recognize points both agree on

          -compromise

          -show trust in your spouse

          -be sensitive to his/her feelings

5. Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

     *Prevention.

     *Eliminate destructive interaction patterns.

*Calm yourself first.

*Bring up concerns softly, gently, and privately.

*Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

*Soothe yourself and each other.

*Reach a consensus about a solution.

6. Continuing Courtship through the Years

*Attend to the little things.

*Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage.

*Spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening your relationship.

Elder F. Burton Howard (2003): "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently."

Personal Application
I set a goal to choose one of these principles to work on in my own marriage.

Source: Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.